I love him. I say this like it’s going to convince me that I’m doing the right thing by holding on to what can only be described as an alienating relationship. I can’t push all the fault to him, of course, but what do you do when you’ve given everything you can to someone and they still fall short on your needs? Is this the right person for you? Is it time to let them go? Do you keep fighting in hopes that someday, though never knowing when, that things will work out the way you want them to? Love has no formula people. You make your relationships what they are. My biggest downfall in most (if not all) of my relationships has been just this: I give too much and don’t demand those things returned to me. I am not referring to material things either. When you dedicate yourself to someone so deeply, you risk losing a part of who you are to that person. You become the things that you fear most. A dear friend of mine shared some very wise words that I would like to paraphrase, “Thinking your fears makes them reality”. This statement rang so much truth into me that it almost hurt.
Let me start at the beginning as this is the first of many blogs I intend to write regarding these matters as well as ones related to my learnings from such experiences.
I met him 3 years ago. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I knew I was not in a place to give myself fairly to someone who wanted me. We spent some time together and learned what I thought to be a lot about each other. Then, after a year of being casual friends with the occasional cuddle session or kiss, I finally agreed to be his girlfriend. Two months after dating, I was looking to move into my own apartment (I was living with my parents). I had worked for nearly three years, living at home and trying to put my life together. To be stronger and know what I wanted. After 3 failed serious relationships I wanted to know ME. I asked him to come along with me to look at a studio apartment and was sorely disappointed in the place and it was obvious. Later that day, we went to his place to discuss my move. He asked me something that I should have seen coming and said “no” to, but I wanted him in my life and knew I’d have a nicer place with him. He wanted to move in together. I agreed.
Fast forward to a year later.
We were blissfully happy in our home together. We cooked dinner every night, the romance was unbelievable. I had everything I ever wanted in a relationship. He made me feel beautiful and special. As the months had passed I noticed us both getting complacent (mind you this was in retrospect, not during the time). We would sit in front of the TV and hardly speak to each other. My insecurities were winning their way back to my mind. I felt that he wasn’t as happy as he had expected to be. We had a fight about him being at the hospital with me when I had to have surgery, he left the weekend prior for a camping trip to “mentally prepare himself”. My birthday that year was a disaster that he held against me… We fought about sex or rather lack of it. It was becoming unbearable. I finally came to him with my feelings and we worked through things.
When our lease was up we moved to another apartment. The tenants above us in the last were a lot of contribution to the stress between us. The place I chose for us to move seemed nice enough. When we moved in he constantly nit-picked every detail wrong with the house, complained about the neighbors still… Everyday it was something. After so long I began looking to myself for happiness. I couldn’t stand the constant barrage of negativity about daily life from him. I needed an escape, to find myself. I had succumbed to the same mistakes of my past relationships. I gave him control of me without realizing it. My heart and mind were one in the same with him. How had I lost myself yet again?
Now I sit here contemplating my next move. I care deeply for him, yet I cannot see a happy future with him. He, as well as myself have a lot of work to do within our individual selves before we can move from this place. At least that’s how I feel. I have continued to journey on my own path at finding inner happiness and peace again. I have expressed my thoughts and feelings in the most non-confrontational way possible on several occasions regarding affection and mutual respect. I do not get these things from him still, he has developed toward me, what I feel, is a fathering complex. Do as I say, not as I do…
It’s time to move on and I see this now. The inevitable is bound to surface…